Angelina Jolie's babies are fresh out of the womb and already their pictures have become the holy grail of tabloid journalism. While Jamie Lynn Spears and Jessica Alba netted $1 million for their spawn, Angelina's twins are about to wreck some shit. Somehow, this proves my point that babies should be allowed to fight in UFC matches. E! Online reports:

Insiders are speculating the pics will go for between $15 million to $20 million. In fact, one photo-agency owner guesses that the only other thing that could possibly demand that much money is “Britney Spears giving birth to an alien.”

Okay, it's only fair that I mention Brad and Angelina donate all the proceeds to charity, so you know they're not money hungry assholes. In the meantime, whatever that guy said about Britney birthing an alien, I'll take some of those. I don't really have money to pay for them, but I do have these nifty coupons I hand out to my co-workers. Check it out: This one's good for a "Free coffee run." And this one gets you a "Great job!" I used to have some that were good for a massage, but I'm not allowed to hand those out anymore. Something about a lawsuit and sexual harassment, I dunno. I was too busy making coupons for "A photocopy of my wiener."

If the Earth started to feel a little more crowded this weekend, that's because Angelina Jolie birthed her twins, a boy Knox Leon and a girl Vivienne Marcheline, late Saturday night. Compared to their siblings, these two got off easy in the name department. Angelina's obstetrician Dr. Michael Sussmann updated the press on everyone's condition - then handed out lollipops; he's that good. The AP reports:

"He was very happy. ... The emotion was very strong for him," Sussmann told reporters on the hospital steps. "I felt the emotion of both the mother and the father. Angelina Jolie was speaking, was laughing with her husband. They were happy."
"The mother, the babies, the father are doing marvelously well," he said.

While this is great news for Angelina and Brad, this is terrible news for me. I lost the office pool. Here's the names I picked. I dunno how I didn't win: BOYS: Captain America. Jon Voight Just Kidding I Still Hate you Daddy. Maddox. (He won't mind.) GIRLS: Licorice Petunia. ~. (Pronounced "Squiggly line thingy.") Melissa. Congrats to the Pitt-Jolie clan! Please don't assimilate me.