Let me start by saying there are several things I would feasibly believe Nicole Richie possesses: Pirate ship. Unicorn. One Ring to rule them all. Jesus' body. But an ass? C'mon, there's no way these aren't Photoshopped. And, seriously, whoever did this, Optimus Prime's face would've looked more realistic back there. You know, provided he was winking and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx. I'm a helper :)

Good news, everybody! Despite what the media has been reporting (what with its anti-single-supermodels agenda), Miranda Kerr is not—repeat, not—marrying Orlando Bloom. People reports:

A rep for Bloom's girlfriend Miranda Kerr is knocking down a report in the Australian media Sunday that the Pirates of the Caribbean star and the model are engaged.
"The story ... is completely false and misleading," the rep says. "Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged. There is nothing else to be said."
But while they're not making marriage plans at present, Bloom, 31, and Kerr, 25, are still very much a couple, and Kerry recently spoke about someday settling down with a special someone and having kids.

Sounds like Orlando Bloom got punked pretty hard there. You just know that Miranda probably responded to his 1,000th whiny request to marry him with a, "Hmmm...maybe," then after he bragged to all his buddies and about it and leaked it to the press, she sent her publicist out there to shoot him down. She probably plays all sorts of similar pranks on him, like "Got your nose" and "Hid your medication." She just seems cool like that.

Seen here at Heathrow Airport this morning, Britney Spears' European Tour (a.k.a. The Dumb Sauce Parade) came to an end last night after she performed on Britain's X-Factor then celebrated her birthday at G-A-Y nightclub. While the X-Factor performance was basically a sloppy repeat of the Bambi Awards, at least someone had the foresight to not let her dress like Madonna again. Although in Britney's defense, her ass looked crazy good. And not just because she's crazy, but because I'd seriously consider using it as a decorative end table. Then again, I'm the hopeless romantic type. *sigh* Videos after the jump.

Eeeks!

A few days ago, Robert "Sherlock" Downey Jr. got knocked out by a 350 lb extra during the filming of a fight scene. RDJ was supposedly 'drooling blood', was revived by set medics and then had his inner mouth stitched up by a nurse.

A source on the Guy Ritchie directed movie reported, “Robert was accidentally caught on the chin by a thundering hook. He went flying and was out cold. He didn’t want to go to hospital and kept trying to get up. He’s a trooper. But there have been lots of other problems too.”

One of the problems the source is probably alluding to happened on Friday.

A gas tanker blew up on set forcing Guy to shut down production for a few hours.

There's rumblings that the movie may be 'cursed'.

Hmmm….

Who could've hexed Guy's film????

[Image via Getty Images.]

The sooner the better!

In a new interview, Miley Cyrus revealed that she would love to study photography in London and that she was inspired to do so by none other than Annie Leibovitz. Yes, the Annie who shot little Slutty for that 'scandalous' Vanity Fair spread.

“I do want to come to London to study photography. I hear there are some really great art schools, so I would love to do that. I got to work with an amazing photographer. Leibovitz was amazing and so talented. And that’s what I want to do with my life. I would love to be a photographer. I would love to work with her again,” said the girl formally known as Destiny Hope.

Good luck with that!

We imagine most your work will look Glamour Shots malltastic, Miley!

[Image via WENN.]

Gwynnie Paltrow probably can't believe that she's married to such a babbling idiot!

Chris Martin recently sat down with The Times of London in Denver, Colorado a few hours before Coldplay's show in the mile high city.

When Martin says he's homesick, the reporter asks him if there's anything he can get in Britain but not America.

The front man responded:

“Laid,” he beams. “Oh, and maybe a Toffee Crisp.”

We feel uncomfortably embarrassed for him.

No wonder Gwynnie is so surly all the time.

Look at what she has to put up with!

[Image via WENN.]

Though there were no Twilight-esque openings this holiday weekend, Hollywood still reeled in lots of money from y'all!

According to industry insiders, Reese Witherspoon's funny movie Four Chirstmases is the king of the Thanksgiving weekend's box office. Its Wednesday through Sunday earnings total is expected to be appoximately $46 million.

At #2 is last week's $70 million money maker Twilight. RPat-z and crew will add another $39 million to the flick's bank account by the end of the weekend.

Rounding out the top three is Disney's Bolt. Its five day total is expected to be about $34 million.

The new Nicole Kidman/Hugh Jackman flick Australia bombed big time. The super expensive movie is expect to take home to Fox only $19.5 million.

Ouch!!!!

Nancy Jarecki is an entrepreneur who sells dye for "hair down there." While her product line Betty Beauty is taking off, Nancy needs to learn rule number one in the cutthroat pube dye business: Never out your celebrity clients. Page Six reports:

It's not just women who are interested in matching the carpet to the drapes: Jarecki says so many men have bought the product that she plans to launch a "Betty for Men" line early next year. "I guess man-scaping for guys is really big these days," she says, adding that she recently sent the entire assortment of colors to noted waxing enthusiast Diddy and got back a thank-you note from his assistant.
A Betty spokesperson adds that "Law & Order" brunette Mariska Hargitay, country singer Vince Gill, Jack Black and Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor also use the product.

For the record, I fancy myself a man-scaping enthusiast as well. Which is why my dude shrub comes complete with a gazebo, lawn gnome and barbecue pit. Also, cookout next Friday. BYOB. (There will be badminton.)

New York Giants Super Bowl star Plaxico Burress is having an awesome season. The controversial receiver accidentally shot himself in the leg early Saturday morning after a concealed gun slipped out of his waistband at a Manhattan club, according to NY Daily News:

Burress, 31, who was sporting flashy jewelry and carrying loads of cash, told club management he needed the gun to protect himself, sources said.
The mercurial Giant was waved inside the crowded Latin-themed club on Lexington Ave. about midnight. He downed several drinks, making already jittery security guards more nervous about his weapon.
As Burress was being led into a VIP area, with a drink in his hand, the gun slipped down his pants leg. He reached for the weapon, but fumbled it and it went off, sources said. The bullet tore through Burress' already injured right thigh, police said.
"[The bullet] went in and out. No bones," Chief Michael Collins, a police spokesman, said.

Of course, discharging a loaded handgun in a club might, I dunno, get you fucking arrested. So with some quick thinking, Plaxico employed the help of Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce who stashed the gun in Jersey. Just like that episode of The Sopranos where Tony gets the paper in his boxers:

Panicking, Burress told his teammate not to call 911 for an ambulance, sources said.
Pierce helped the bloodied receiver out of the club before taking off with the gun and stashing it somewhere in New Jersey, sources said.
Burress was afraid to go to the hospital, but two hours after the shooting, at 2 a.m., his wife, Tiffany, and a friend escorted him to New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell. He was treated and released at about 12:45 p.m., sources said.
But a hospital spokeswoman denied that Burress was ever there.
Cops only learned about the incident after Giants employees quietly reached out to the NYPD to report it, sources said.

Damn! Ratted out by your own team? That's gotta sting. Probably not as much a bullet to your already-injured leg, but Jesus. Anyway, let this be a lesson to the kids out there: Always use a holster. And that's one to grow on...

We always sensed that he was the source of the evil in her life!!!

In an interview with the UK's News of the World, Blaaaake Fielder-Civil says that he's the one responsible for Amy Winehouse's addiction to drugs.

He, Blaaaaake, is the one who got her experimenting with hard drugs like crack cocaine and heroin.

Before Blaaaaaaake, the 'only' thing Wino did was smoke pot.

He's on tape to the tabloid saying, "I dragged Amy into it and without me there is no doubt that she would never have gone down that road. I ruined something beautiful. Now I have to let her go to save her life. I am not abandoning her. I am doing this out of love.”

Good riddance.

But we'll know you're full of shiz should you go after her $$$$ during the divorce proceedings that, according to rumors, will be taking place soon.

[Image via WENN.]