It's a Friday before a holiday weekend, so what the hell? Let's talk about John McCain (Hey, he's a celebrity too!) and his sans penis vice presidential pick today: Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. Here's the word from Reuters:

Palin, 44, a self-described "hockey mom," is a conservative first-term governor of Alaska with strong anti-abortion views, a record of reform and fiscal conservatism and an outsider's perspective on Washington.
"She's exactly who I need. She's exactly who this country needs to help me fight the same old Washington politics of me first and country second," McCain told a roaring crowd of 15,000 supporters in Dayton, Ohio.

So what do you think: Awesome? Bad? We're straight fucked? She looks like Tina Fey? Cheap political ploy? Where's Alaska? I'd hit it? I'll let you guys handle the deep intellectual discourse. And people say this site isn't informative. In your face, entire mainstream media!

· Nothing makes Olympic champion gymnast Shawn Johnson's taco pop like the zingy taste of Ortega salsa. Beat that, bro! [YouTube]
· We'd like to introduce you now to Pixie Leah and Darth Wicket, who are both on the losing end of an intergalactic battle to retain their dignity. [YouTube]
· We're concerned. Not only does Sarah Palin have limited governing experience, but she used to have come dribbles running down the side of her mouth! Just a heartbeat from the presidency, folks. [Perez Hilton]
· The Peach Pit lives! [Eater LA]
· And finally, some bittersweet news. Vulture editor Dan Kois is heading off into the sunset, and we'll no longer have regular and easy access to awesomeness like this. Farewell, Dan! You'll be missed. [Vulture]

newVideoPlayer("/todoinout_def.flv", 506, 423,""); Quick: name a beloved Southern California staple whose very name inspires cravings in even the heartiest of men! Yes, fine, we'll accept "Molly McAleer," but what we were really soliciting was "In-N-Out," the fast food franchise known for its delicious hamburgers and industrial-strength milkshakes. In this installment of your weekend To-Do's, Molls and life partner Edward hit up the local "In-N-Hang-Out" to fill you in on the hottest happenings this Labor Day weekend in Los Angeles. Tear apart a ketchup packet and join them after the jump, won't you?

FRIDAY
· Friday's Off the 405 at the Getty.
· Melissa Etheridge at the Greek.
· Hot Water Music at the El Rey.

SATURDAY
· Fuck Yeah! Fest at the Echo.
· Tom Waits Bus Tour at Kind Edwards Saloon.
· The Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen Theater.

SUNDAY
· Steel Pulse at the House of Blues.
· Jack Johnson at UCLA.
· Kevin Nealon at the Ice House.

If there's one thing we love about Defamer advertisers, it's how amenable they are to being obvious political tokens in our desperate bid to get control of the White House. Thanks guys! (Did we mention you're pretty smoking, too?) Want to be added to the ticket? Everything you need to know is right here.

Special thanks to: Choke (Fox Searchlight), Cringe (Crown Publishing), How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (Paramount), Sobieski, Starwood Hotels, and Unscrew America

Kim Kardashian is training hard for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars and is prepared to reveal more and more of her infamous butt as the show progresses. There's nothing using a woman's astronomically large ass that once starred in a porno as a source of family entertainment. God bless you, ABC! People reports:

“I’m hoping that it’ll firm it up and shape it up,” she said during a launch party for the Pink Blackberry Curve at L.A. boutique Intermix. “Everyone is asking if I’m worried it’s going to go away. No, it’s going to tone it up. I can use that.”
So, will she flaunt what she’s got in sexy and slinky ballroom costumes? Kardashian said she expects to show off more than a little skin as the competition moves forward.

Despite the prospect of some Kim ass I still won't watch. Mainly because I did the math and it'll take at least 100 episodes before we see some crack. You can't fight the numbers, folks. NOTE: Your eyes are not deceiving you: these are shots of Kim leaving a hair removal center - and, damn, not a moment too soon. Here's what she looked like prior to treatment. Mamma mia!

Maybe Barack Obama is a celebrity after all: According to the AP, more than 38 million viewers tuned in to watch the Democratic nominee's DNC speech last night. Even excepting the uncounted audience who tuned in via C-SPAN, PBS, or online, "Nielsen Media Research said more people watched Obama speak than watched the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, the final American Idol or the Academy Awards this year." If next week's Republican National Convention has got its work cut out for it, John McCain might want to start with a VP pick who's got more ratings power than the lead from 30 Rock. [AP]

This didn't take long at all!

Turns out John McCain's Vice Presidential pick, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, has already been involved in some scandal.

Quite recently too!

Click here to read all about it!

[Photos via Getty Images.]

newVideoPlayer("/ds29_def.flv", 506, 423,""); As we wind down this half-day of posting before your Labor Day weekend—summer, she's nearly gone!—we thought we'd pack a little picnic basket for your beach retreats. Can you guess what the main course is? Of course you can! A delicious Dirt Sandwich, lovingly prepared by Defamer video lunchlady Molly McAleer ("One Jell-O per student, buster!"), and full of all the things you love: Mystery plastic surgery mummies! Celebrity sex clubs! American Idol judges in airborne vehicles frequently associated with fiery, accidental deaths! Just promise us you won't go in the water until a good half-hour after consuming. [Watch Video]

Good news for our fellow Latinos but bad news for us in the U.S. and Canada.

Kylie Minogue has just announced that she is also going on tour in South America this fall, in addition to Australia and New Zealand. She spent the summer traveling across Europe.

Thus far, she has no plans to play in North America.

Devastating!

At least do NY, L.A., Vegas and Toronto!!!!!

Please, Kylie. We NEED you!!!!!

Says the international superstar on her website:

"After wowing audiences across Europe with her X2008 Tour earlier this Summer and confirming Australian dates for December, Kylie's pleased to announce that KylieX2008 is coming to South America!, covering Peru, Chile and Argentina this November!

Thursday 6th November
Peru - Lima Explanada Del Monumental

Thursday 13th November
Chile - Santiago Pista Atletica

Saturday 15th November
Argentina - Buenos Aires G E B A

Stay Tuned to Kylie.com for further details!"

Production began last night on a pilot that a group of plucky producers hope will become the next big reality craze, Rollin' Sushi With The Stars. Combining elements from Bravo's Top Chef and Dancing With The Stars, Rollin' Sushi With The Stars is about discovering the celebrity with the greatest California Roll rolling ability. So far, the producers have only convinced two people to join the cast — veteran reality stalwarts Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry. When asked about his involvement with the pilot, Knight said, "Well, we saw a camera setting up down the street from our house and we were like, "We haven't been on TV in weeks and these lavalier mics are just collecting dust. Turns out the producers were looking for some top notch talent and kaboom! We're creating some TV magic. After this, we'll definitely be able to get a table at Nobu."

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.