Bai Ling mugshot FTW!

Actress, publicity whore, and downright nasty bitch Bai Ling got herself hauled away at LAX for stealing gossip rags and batteries. No, seriously, bitch stole $16 worth of gossip rags and batteries. What the fug is up with her?

1. She hasn’t heard of the Internet and wanted to see if she got mentioned in any current tabloids, and…
2. Her vibrator was dead.

I wish they would just deport the slut so we can all stop talking about her. Someone remind me what she’s famous for?

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Katherine Heigl does the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Kiddies, now is a good time to tell you that I’d rather eat my left nut than give props to people. It’s just not in my nature to be kind; I much prefer to be the catty, picky bitch that I am. But right now, I have to give props to someone I have grown to love.

I have recently discovered Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, it was on DVD, and I had just come home from a lovely southern debutante ball and was drunk off my privileged ass. I thought, well, I will watch those stories Jenny left at my place (Jenny’s my hag). And so I discovered Izzie, Grey’s hottie, better known as Katherine Heigl. I was drawn to her like biscuits to butter. Those golden locks, that pretty pout.

And then she was in Knocked Up—LOVED IT. The last time I got knocked up, I had to get the big A, and my man wouldn’t even pay for it.

Ok, back to Izzie… In 27 Dresses, she dazzled in a part that was pretty blah. If it weren’t for her beauty and poise, I would have left after the first 20 minutes. Katherine, you’re a diva, and I just wanted you to know from one diva to another, anytime you wanna lunch, let me know. You are a goddess, and even though you married a wannabe musician, I forgive you. Perhaps he has a large peen—I pray for your vag’s sake he does.

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Britney Spears has got some serious hair issues.

Britney Spears is getting audited.

According to a spokesman, the IRS is only trying to make sure Britney has not been a victim of theft. Last year, Britney had an estimated fortune of $190 million, but that number shrank by nearly $60 million in 2007. As a result, people are speculating that someone in Brit’s camp (can we say Sam Lufti??) might be licking icing off of her crazy cake.

Sources tell us Brit spent over $1 million on vacations alone last year. Be that as it may, it still leaves $59 million to explain, so where did it all go? I mean, we all know she went to rehab. And I’m sure In and Out Burger got their share as well—probably even Rite Aid and Walgreens, too! After all, I know those pregnancy tests aren’t cheap.

Well, let me tell you a few things Brit did not spend her money on that she very well should have:

1. a stylist — bitch looks like hell all the time
2. panties — girl, cover that skanky hoohah… Nobody needs to see your C scars, ever! Lord Jesus!
3. proper legal counsel — because straightening your shit up actually requires real lawyers
4. chauffeur — perfect for people who really, really can’t drive
5. sterilization — because the world can’t handle any more of your effed up DNA

Kisses, babe, you know Phillacia loves you always, even though you’re not worthy.

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Paris Hilton keeps on suckin’ in ‘08.

In other recent news, Paris Hilton’s new flick, the “The Hottie or the Nottie,” was a box office disaster, raking in a mere 27 thousand dollars.

Cough.

Is anyone surprised by this? The girl has as much acting ability as my blind/mute auntie, Cocoa. No, that’s cruel to place my auntie on such low level… Let’s just say this—the flat-chested ho needs to keep on making her stank perfume, cause acting won’t keep her in the lifestyle she’s accustomed to!

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Take the Miley Cyrus challenge! Try to stare at her for 20 seconds.

Ok, am I crazy, or does Disney train their young starlets to dress and act like middle-aged harlots?

Miley Cyrus stepped out the Grammys on Sunday with jet-black extensions and more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. I mean, is this what 15-year old girls are supposed to look like now? Disney just seems to have a thing for creating cash cows out of these young ladies, but it seems like exploitation to me.

Miley, I’m only going to tell you this once, fire your stylist and find something that covers your ass. After all, you have your whole life ahead of you to look like a hooker. Oh yeah, one more thing, use a rubber! If you procreate and pass on that weird mouth gene of yours, I will just die.

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Amy Winehouse cleaned up at the 2008 Grammys.

Fresh out of her latest stint in rehab, the sexy siren who started it all won 5 Grammys at the 2008 awards show, including record and song of the year. The beehive-sporting clothes rack performed live via satellite (hopefully the vid is still up when you click through!), and spectators were surprised how healthy the little heroin honey looked. Kudos to you girl, if only I could be as high and as hot as you, bitch! You told us you were trouble, but some of us just didn’t listen. Keep on belting out those Grammy-winning albums, baby!!

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